A Raging Battle: The Fight Is On!

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My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God. ~ Psalm 84:2

Made To Crave by Lysa Terkuerst  study with Proverbs 31 Ministries started this week.  Wow!! Amazing so far and a little hard to swallow. I was anxiously awaiting the start of this study. Had my book ready, thanks to our amazing Group 24 leader, Emily Babb Montjoy! I read the the introduction when I first got the book and stopped. Was I ready for this!? I wanted to be. So I prayed….”Yahweh God, help me get ready. Let me stay focused. Give me strength.”

Many things have happened since that day. I had lost 9 lbs by December 2013 (in 2 months). A recent doctor visit informed that I didn’t keep it all off. “The roller-coaster begins”, I thought to myself.  This battle is just to hard. I am exhausted, I am worn out, I am not ready. For over a month now that has been my mantra. I can’t shake it. I want to fight though. I want to defeat this beast that seems to be hanging on to me and pulling me down.

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And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn 

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I never understood how my cravings were taking me away from the work God has for me. Not until last summer when I had to face some disturbing diagnosis in my medical records. It was real. I was failing God, myself, my husband, my family and friends. For years I pretended nothing was wrong. I had it all under control. If I didn’t “feel” sick then I wasn’t, right? Wrong.

I will be thirty-six years old next month and I want to see eighty-six someday. Not snuff myself out early because I didn’t want to face truth. So this study for me hits home so much more than any of the others I have been a part of. Each one seemed like it was written for me in one way or another but this one….this one was what I was being prepared for. The one that would take everything I have to face.

I have a ministry; Mended By Hope (Busy Bee’s Heart to Heart). It started out as a daily text message; scripture, encouragement, short devotionals and then a ladies Bible class. This is something that had been on my heart since I was ten years old. I finally stopped fighting it and took the leap of faith over five years ago. For a few months now I have stopped teaching classes because I just don’t feel up to it. What an excuse!!

Next month my husband and I celebrate our eleventh wedding anniversary. I want to see our fiftieth. I want our days to be filled with adventure. Sitting around our pond, planting veggies and flowers, walking together, enjoying whatever life throws our way. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to be too tired. I don’t want to be depressed.

I want to publish the books I am writing. I want to take amazing photos. I want to sew. Most of all I want to crave God and all He has for me in this life.

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Yet, I crave chips, eating out at restaurants with not so healthy choices, watching tv instead of taking a walk, reading a fictional book instead of the Bible, writing every now and then instead of being committed, staying home instead of going with my hubby to play basketball…well maybe just make some shots. I crave pretending everything is ok. I crave being busy so I don’t have to think about what is really happening to my body, my time with my husband, time with God.

I want to crave more of God. More of His Word. More time in prayer. More time in His presence soaking in His blessings. More time exercising. More time writing what is on my heart. More time talking to my husband instead of us staring at the television. I want to crave being healthy, losing weight so maybe the illnesses I face will be reversed. I want to crave taking time for me. Time to heal. Time to sit with nothing clogging up my mind.

So today I step to the front lines of this battle. No more hiding in the back behind a tree hoping no one sees me. Today, the fight is on!!

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I need this “No Fail Pail” for this journey 🙂

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Graced with Gifts

January Gift Counting.

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I left off on Day 7 in a previous blog.  I remember to bring my journal today so I can share all the wondrous gifts I have had the privilege to enjoy.

Day 8

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Dancing tree branches against the orange

Frozen Light

Sun hearts on book

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Day 9

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The hand of the one I love

Swings in the park

My grandparents

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Day 10

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A “friend” a long time coming

Face of my cat

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Thrift store finds with momma Johnson

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Day 11

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Beautiful bookmark

Highlighters

Memories of sunflowers

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Day 12

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Moon & Twinkling Stars

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Cats flopping in dirt

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My love, my best friend

Day 13

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My love for God.

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My love for others.
My love for myself.

Day 14

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Sun in fire smoke

Wake-up call to face reality

Life

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Day 15

Stars & moons shawl

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Notes of encouragement

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A meal

Today is not over yet….so I will share what three blessings I witness tomorrow.

 

 

Life, the challenge of adventure

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Six years ago I began challenging myself to count at least one blessing day for a month, tell someone something you love about them once a day (a different person each day), share something you love about yourself with others, and share something inspiration everyday with others. All this was done through text messages. I was so scared when I started this.  I figured everyone I would share these things with was going to think I had gone crazy. I was surprised by the response and how others genuinely seemed to enjoy those daily text messages.

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It’s a new year with new obstacles to overcome. New adventures, journals to fill, memories to be made with my best friend (hubby), family and friends. To say I made it to through 36 years of life (next month). An honor to say, “I have been married for eleven years and together for twelve years,” (next month). A time to reconnect, if only to say how much I appreciated and enjoyed the time spent with those whose paths have grown distant from mine.

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It is a time to take care of me. To let God take control of the whole not just the parts I feel like letting go. It is time to face harsh realities. Those things that I wish would stay hidden in the shadows. I tried last year. For six months I tried. I didn’t accomplish what I set out to do but I started the process. I made choices, commitments. I failed at some. No regrets, just truth. After all it is truth that sets me free. I can lie to me. I can lie to you. I can’t lie to God. He knows what is within. He knows my thoughts, my fears, the pain, the struggles all that lies in the dark recesses of my heart behind the smiles.

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Yes, life is wonderful. Every breath I take, I am grateful for. Every moment I have is a gift. Yet, I am tired. I am worn out. I let years of “hiding in the shadows” put a burden on me that I can no longer lift on my own.

Once again I must challenge myself but this time it is a little more serious. You see, I began with the spiritual challenge to get to the emotional and mental challenges that will lead me to the physical challenges. Hard questions have to be asked. Truthful answers have to be swallowed. It will hurt, but ultimately it will heal.

Eucharisteo, give thanks, my word for this year. In all things, good and bad, give thanks.

I am learning.

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Moments In A Day

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So many lost days, moments with the ones I love.
Somedays I soak in regret,
Others I say, “thank You for right now.”

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Today.
Faces of laughter.
Eyes dancing with love.
Embrace after embrace.

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Child’s hands mimic mommy’s.
Colorful trays, brighten eyes around the table.
The road leads home.
Love awaits me with open arms.
To go, or maybe stay.

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Behind the curtain,
I lay flat
Pen in hand, again.
Time passes fast,
When I stare at paper.

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The road calls,
Leads us to a dance.
I don’t understand the moves,
Once, I didn’t care to.
Tonight, I watch.
From one end to the other,
Faces lit up,
I breathe in excitement.

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Hands flail,
Feet move fast,
A rhythm ensues,
Takes you captive,
Breath, held.
Crowd on feet,
Swoosh.
The dance ends
In a blaze of glory.

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When you stop, take in the moment you realize…..it’s a dance. A thing of beauty.

 

Time

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The days seem short.

Time slips through my fingers like sand.

Still, twenty-four hours make up one day.

I try to hold on,

Just one more moment, please.

One more second to savor this day.

Alas, it ends.

Morning dawns.

Glorious rays of sunlight.

Grace abounds.

I breathe in,

Love.

Today, let them see You.

Before time slips.

Let me be Your hands,

Feet,

Arms,

Mercy.

Let joy flow,

forgiveness be given.

Connections made.

Bridges mended.

Hate snuffed out.

Again, the dawn is beginning to set.

Night will come.

Grace may give me tomorrow.

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Bag, Fridge, Heart….Graces

Home sick yesterday.  I am combining 2 days of gift counting here.

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January 6, 2014

Bag ~ Kept memories in Canon

Fridge ~ Water, refreshing.

Heart ~ Love for my husband, best friend.

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January 7, 2014

3 Graces from people you love

Love-filled eyes seeing beauty, spoken in words.

“Thank You.”

Happiness through a telephone call.

 

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