My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God. ~ Psalm 84:2
Made To Crave by Lysa Terkuerst study with Proverbs 31 Ministries started this week. Wow!! Amazing so far and a little hard to swallow. I was anxiously awaiting the start of this study. Had my book ready, thanks to our amazing Group 24 leader, Emily Babb Montjoy! I read the the introduction when I first got the book and stopped. Was I ready for this!? I wanted to be. So I prayed….”Yahweh God, help me get ready. Let me stay focused. Give me strength.”
Many things have happened since that day. I had lost 9 lbs by December 2013 (in 2 months). A recent doctor visit informed that I didn’t keep it all off. “The roller-coaster begins”, I thought to myself. This battle is just to hard. I am exhausted, I am worn out, I am not ready. For over a month now that has been my mantra. I can’t shake it. I want to fight though. I want to defeat this beast that seems to be hanging on to me and pulling me down.
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
I never understood how my cravings were taking me away from the work God has for me. Not until last summer when I had to face some disturbing diagnosis in my medical records. It was real. I was failing God, myself, my husband, my family and friends. For years I pretended nothing was wrong. I had it all under control. If I didn’t “feel” sick then I wasn’t, right? Wrong.
I will be thirty-six years old next month and I want to see eighty-six someday. Not snuff myself out early because I didn’t want to face truth. So this study for me hits home so much more than any of the others I have been a part of. Each one seemed like it was written for me in one way or another but this one….this one was what I was being prepared for. The one that would take everything I have to face.
I have a ministry; Mended By Hope (Busy Bee’s Heart to Heart). It started out as a daily text message; scripture, encouragement, short devotionals and then a ladies Bible class. This is something that had been on my heart since I was ten years old. I finally stopped fighting it and took the leap of faith over five years ago. For a few months now I have stopped teaching classes because I just don’t feel up to it. What an excuse!!
Next month my husband and I celebrate our eleventh wedding anniversary. I want to see our fiftieth. I want our days to be filled with adventure. Sitting around our pond, planting veggies and flowers, walking together, enjoying whatever life throws our way. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to be too tired. I don’t want to be depressed.
I want to publish the books I am writing. I want to take amazing photos. I want to sew. Most of all I want to crave God and all He has for me in this life.
Yet, I crave chips, eating out at restaurants with not so healthy choices, watching tv instead of taking a walk, reading a fictional book instead of the Bible, writing every now and then instead of being committed, staying home instead of going with my hubby to play basketball…well maybe just make some shots. I crave pretending everything is ok. I crave being busy so I don’t have to think about what is really happening to my body, my time with my husband, time with God.
I want to crave more of God. More of His Word. More time in prayer. More time in His presence soaking in His blessings. More time exercising. More time writing what is on my heart. More time talking to my husband instead of us staring at the television. I want to crave being healthy, losing weight so maybe the illnesses I face will be reversed. I want to crave taking time for me. Time to heal. Time to sit with nothing clogging up my mind.
So today I step to the front lines of this battle. No more hiding in the back behind a tree hoping no one sees me. Today, the fight is on!!
I need this “No Fail Pail” for this journey 🙂